The Origins of the Comedian
by Professor Orio
Summary: Come one come all, for I, Comodiae, shall spin you a tale of my life before I was the Comodiae you know. But be warned, it is not for the faint of heart or the faint of stomach... nah, I'm kidding. Though, yeah... it will be purdy sad. So prepare those waivers and permissions slips because when this feels trip goes there ain't no stoppin.


I can't move. In this darkness, that is the only thing that registers. While I sit there in silent panic, I notice something. I'm sliding. Almost as if the ground around me felt my need, I started sliding forward, the stone melting by some amazing heat that I can't feel. Then I see the most beautiful thing that I can comprehend. Light. A light so bright that it causes me to close my eyes. I fall out of the hole I just made onto solid ground below.

I take a moment to adjust to the light and look up. There I see a person so large she could block out that light if she wanted to. She was tinted a shade of yellow, and beside her stood another woman, shorter than I am, also tinted yellow. They seem to be talking to each other, a subject that I presume is about me. I take this time to look around me. I am in some kind of canyon, where I see various other holes in the sides. I look up, and I see the hole that I came out of, noticing that it fits my body shape perfectly.

I hear the conversation cease, and look around to see that they are staring at me. The smaller woman starts to walk towards me, to which I shy away, not knowing her intentions. She notices this action, and puts up her hands to indicate that she means no harm. I relax and let her come closer. When she stands an arm's length away from me, she starts looking me up and down, almost as if she's sizing me up. I can't really say that I looked that impressive, looking a little scrawny, lean at the most, tinged an odd shade of blue, with some loosely fitting clothing. When she appears satisfied, she looks back at the larger woman and gives a kind of thumbs up, then looks at me.

 _"Hello. You are newly formed, so you may be a little confused about what is happening. Your gemstone is an Aquamarine, which is a little strange, considering the job you were assigned. Your classification will be Aquamarine, facet 5, shortened to Aq.F5. Your assigned job is to be a Diamond Champion, which will_ ensue _you using your fighting prowess and powers to the orders and commands of the diamonds, one of which stands behind me now."_ She motions behind her to the large woman behind her, who I now know to be a diamond. She continues, _"You will be escorted back to the Diamond Dwelling, where you will be housed and trained in basic and advanced combat, strategy, history, and culture. You should feel honored, you will be one of_ millions _of gems that even get to glimpse the Diamond Dwelling."_

With this, she turns around and begins pacing back towards the diamond, motioning me to follow. She passes the diamond by, as do I, but when I pass the diamond, she leans down and whispers to me, "Hello champion. I hope you prove more entertaining than your predecessor." She stands back up and begins walking behind us. I think it's safe to say that I'm now fully terrified.

After we had walked a small distance, we come upon what I can only describe as a palanquin, in the same shade of yellow as the two women. What is up with this color? The smaller lady walks up the steps of the palanquin, me following, and the diamond coming last. Inside the palanquin, there is a huge chair, a perfect size for the diamond as she sits down. A display pops up in front of her, and she starts typing in what appeared to be coordinates. When she hit some kind of affirmatory button, the palanquin started vibrating, slowly rising into the air. Then, almost as if shot with adrenaline, it started speeding through the air at what felt like light speed. While the other two calmly stood there, acting like they didn't feel this unimaginable g-force at all, I was thrown against the wall, then the floor, then the wall again, then the floor again, as the palanquin started to make impossible maneuvers, threading it's way around mountains, over rivers, past forests, making it's way closer to our destination.

When finally we landed, I flopped down on the floor, visibly dazed. As I came back to my senses, I heard something that sounded like laughter. After looking around for its source, I found it to be the diamond, bent over in her chair, out of breath, with tears in her eyes. She promptly gathered herself and looked at me with a mischievous smile on her face. _"I have to say, you may not look like much, but you sure are funny"._ I turn away, embarrassed. We walked off the palanquin, and these large, burly people instantly surrounded us in a protective formation. It took me a moment to realize that this was some kind of guard.

I started to look around, wondering what the Diamond Dwelling was when I saw it. Given my very limited knowledge of the language at the moment, I won't even try to describe what I saw, because nothing I have to say could give it justice. All I say is that it was huge. The diamond saw my reaction and smiled. She was obviously used to this site by now, but she appears to enjoy people's first reactions to it. The guard proceeded to lead us towards the gigantic monolith at a brisk pace, attempting to keep up with the diamonds long-legged strides. I couldn't say as I blamed them, seeing as they were all taller than me, and they still couldn't even reach the diamonds hips.

We were led inside, then through the Abode, walking for what felt like hours, until we came to a massive door. The diamond walked forward, pushing the door aside, and motioning me in, yet not the other woman. When the diamond saw the confused look on my face, she responded, _"This room is for diamonds and diamond affiliates only"._ I guess being the diamond champion must mean that I'm a diamond affiliate.

I walk through the door, and see a terrifying sight. There's four more diamonds, all just as big as the yellow one. All of them are different colors, pink, white, blue, and black. And all of them are looking at me, each with a different emotion. All at once, I see confusion, interest, disinterest, and anger. I stood there awkwardly, waiting for someone to speak, waiting for someone to say it's okay, to put me at ease. Finally, the white one speaks.

 _"So this is the diamond champion? This puny aquamarine? Is this a joke Yellow? Because I can't help but feel but feel played. I expected more than such petty things from you"._ To these words, the yellow one seemed to grow smaller, almost as if hiding from the white one. That must mean the white one is the alpha. That could be useful.

The pink one interjects, _"Aw, don't be so hard just yet, White. We haven't seen him do anything yet. He may be more promising than he appears"._

The blue one seemed to stiffen a little, _"There goes pink again, too much empathy in all the wrong places. I for one think that this is a cruel thing that Moonstone did to us, sending us an aquamarine as a champion"._ I looked at the black one, wondering how he was going to insult me, but he was still just curiously looking at me like I was a unique specimen, something that he must puzzle out.

The white one spoke up again, _"Enough. I don't care if he was a bismuth trying to_ hydroform _water, we all know what the kindergarten information tablets said. He is the champion. That means we must accommodate him as such. When he is trained to our satisfaction, we will set up his schedule, determining which diamond he will be with and when. Until then, we must get him a room and set up his classes. I will assign my pearl to the task. Now, I must adjourn. Until next time"._ With this, she rose from the table and walked out of the room. With the example set, the other ones took their cue and began to do the same.

I stood there confused, not knowing what to do. The pink one, taking pity on me, leaned down as she passed by and whispered, _"Don't worry. Whites pearl will escort you to your room. Just walk out the door"_. After this, she left. Gathering my courage, I exited the room. Outside stood the pearl I was told about. She beckoned to, and started walking off, leaving me to follow.

When I caught up, I decided to say my first words since being formed, "What is happening?".

The pearl chuckled a little and took her time before answering _, "We are_ on _a place called Homeworld, the headquarters of all of_ gem _kind. We are gems, meaning that everything we are is provided to us by our gems,"_ she pointed to her gem, _"Our gems hold large amounts of energy, enough to bend light itself and turn it into a solid material, which our bodies are. Each gem is formed in a kindergarten, excluding slightly rarer cases. When each gem is formed, they are formed with a job. Each gem is assigned this job before they are even formed, depending on their gemstone type and their facet. In very rare cases, though, gemstones will randomly pop up in the soil, gems that we have never_ seeded _. These gems, when discovered, will appear on the tablets that each kindergartener carries with them, and their information and purpose will be recorded. We have recognized these gems to be gifts from our matron deity, Mother Moonstone. Still, she usually matches gem to job whenever they are given. But you are strange. Aquamarines are often_ low-level _factory workers, with small amounts of hydrokinesis. You, however, were assigned the highest position a gem can have, other than diamond, which is_ diamond _champion. Surely you can see how this is a little confusing to us"._

I nod my head. She was right, this is confusing, but not exclusively to them. With all these answers arose new questions. I wanted to ask her more, but we soon came upon a door. _"These are your rooms. For now, acquaint yourself with the accommodations, and you will be contacted tomorrow for your first lessons"._ With nothing else to say, she left, leaving me alone in this mansion of a room. I walk around, exploring my "humble abode", seeing what they had given me. It was a multi-room suite, including such things as a bedroom, library, gymnasium, kitchen, and a swimming pool. I remember something the white pearl had said about hydrokinesis. If I'm not mistaken, that's control over water. I focus on the pool and try to channel energy, waiting for the pool to do something. After a minute of nothing happening and looking stupid, I finally gave in and went to the library to look for answers.

I walk around, exploring my "humble abode", seeing what they had given me. It was a multi-room suite, including such things as a bedroom, library, gymnasium, kitchen, and a swimming pool. I remember something the white pearl had said about hydrokinesis. If I'm not mistaken, that's control over water. I focus on the pool and try to channel energy, waiting for the pool to do something. After a minute of nothing happening and looking stupid, I finally gave in and went to the library to look for answers.

Entering the library, I take a moment to appreciate it, seeing as it, like everything else in the Dwelling, was huge. I start skimming the shelves, somehow understanding the strange chicken scratches that is their language. Wait, how do I know the phrase chicken scratches? Never mind. I find a book that looks promising, a book that is labeled "Crystallic Society". I pull it off the shelf and start flipping through at speeds that I didn't even know I could read. After finishing the book in under five minutes, I gathered the basic structure of the homeworld hierarchy, and how to identify gems, their facets, and their subsequent jobs. In the process, I also found out that my gem and facet is useless, we are low-level workers, no heavy lifting, we're not even smart, we just sit there and take inventory, maybe press a button on a factory line.

Even compared to lapis lazulis, who hydroform entire lakes and oceans for homeworld colonies, and who are in the same branch of gem type as aquamarines, are more useful than us. The book stated that this only happened because the diamonds didn't want us to rebel. I feel an emotion that I've never felt before, or, for that fact, the first emotion I've ever felt. Anger. I felt rage rising through my being like liquid filling a cup. And just like that, it was gone. I don't know how, especially considering the caliber at which I felt the rage. Was it one of my gems special abilities, my facet? Who cares. All I know is that I want to help them. Not just them, but all low levels. Why should diamonds get this planet of a home, and they live in slums and boxes. I will not stand for it. I will use my position as champion to help them, but I have to be subtle. First, though, I have to excel as diamond champion, I have to impress the diamonds so much that they'll listen to me, they'll trust my opinion, I can change homeworld for the better.

I start sifting through the library, looking for books about other champions. I found a book titled "The Champions", I took it off the shelves and skimmed it. I look through the library again, find a book titled "Summoning for Beginners", skimmed it, found another book named "Basic Fighting Strategy", and, you guessed it, I skimmed it. Now, time to practice. I walked to the gymnasium, one goal in mind. I will summon my weapon. The second I make it to the gym, I set off, meditating, finding my gems energy. After about a half hour of searching, I feel something stirring inside, and I start pursuing it. And then I find, a reservoir so enormous that even I quailed before it, and it was mine. I instantly took advantage of this momentary revelation, and I began to shape a weapon. When I open my eyes, I look down to see a sword of a familiar shade of blue. I pick it up, feeling it's lightlessness and how easy it is to swing. I look to the edge of the gym, seeing a dummy and hatching an idea. I lazily walk over and swipe at the dummy, seamlessly splitting it in two. I didn't feel any resistance whatsoever.

After about a half hour of searching, I feel something stirring inside, and I start pursuing it. And then I find, a reservoir so enormous that even I quailed before it, and it was mine. I instantly took advantage of this momentary revelation, and I began to shape a weapon. When I open my eyes, I look down to see a sword of a familiar shade of blue. I pick it up, feeling it's lightlessness and how easy it is to swing. I look to the edge of the gym, seeing a dummy and hatching an idea. I lazily walk over and swipe at the dummy, seamlessly splitting it in two. I didn't feel any resistance whatsoever.

I have a weird thought, and I attempt to change my sword. It's starts to glow, it's very being changing shape, and when the glow fades, I'm holding axe. I try again, and end up holding a scythe. Another try presents me a spear. Peculiar. The book I read about summoning weapons said that all gems only get one weapon, so why am I able to summon multiple weapons. Must be another trait of my gem. Whatever. I went back to the library, feeling accomplished and needing to learn more. I walked through the library, reading about culture, math, language, science, physics, strategy, poetry, fiction. By the time I was finished, I had read through the entirety of the gigantic library. I looked out one of the many

I looked out one of the many windows and realized it was dark outside, signifying night. At this moment, I realized that I didn't feel tired in the least. That's good, because I don't even know how to sleep. So I go back to the gym to practice some of the fighting techniques that I had read about in the books about martial arts, abusing the dummies that I didn't cut in half.

* * *

When morning finally arrives, I hear a knock on the door and an almost inaudible hum as it slides open. White Pearl walks through looking for me. She sees me in the gym, and walks over. _"It's time to go to your first class. It's going to be fighting strategy, seeing as that is the most important for the diamond champion"._

I nod my head, to which she begins walking, me in tow. After another trip through the Dwelling, we come to the designated room. Inside stands a rose quartz. When she sees, she smiles. _"Hello, champion, I will be your teacher today."_ Knowing that I was okay for now, White Pearl walked out, leaving me alone with the rose quartz. _"Well, for starters, we will learn to summon weapons,"_

 _To_ which I reply, _"I already can."_

The rose quartz becomes flustered, _"You already can? Well, can you summon it for me?"._

Again, I reply, _"Which one?"._

The rose quartz seems to flush a little. _"You have more than one?",_ she asks quietly, seeming afraid of the answer.

I nod my head, and proceed to summon my sword, and then, when she confirms what it is, I proceed to change it into a scimitar. I didn't think a gem could get pale, considering we don't have blood, but this rose quartz proved me wrong. She took out a holographic pad, and began to contact one of the diamonds. After a couple of rings, Pink Diamond answered. _"What's wrong, soldier?"._

After gathering herself for a second, the rose quartz responded, _"My diamond, with all due respect, I don't think the champion needs combat training."_

 _"What's_ happened _soldier?"._

The rose quartz responds, _"My diamond, he can summon more than one weapon"._

Pink Diamond seemed to pale, similar to the rose quartz. When finally regaining the ability to speak, she said, _"Please take him to my office, I would like to meet with him",_ she abruptly hung up, again leaving me alone with the rose quartz.

After another moment, the rose quartz looked at me and said, _"Let's go",_ and proceeded in the direction of Pink Diamond's office.

* * *

One short walk later, we make it to the door, the rose quartz knocking on the door to inform the diamond that we were there, and opening the door so that I may proceed in. Inside, I looked around, seeing nothing special, until I looked forward, and noticed the big lady, otherwise known as Pink Diamond. Looking down at me, she smiled a kind of motherly smile and asks, _"How was your night?"._ I was a little confused, as is the usual by this point, that that would be the question and not "why can you summon more than one weapon".

Suspecting that this might be going somewhere, I replied, _"Good, how about yours?"._

Pink, still smiling, answers, _"Oh, just swimmingly, thank you for asking."_

I wait for her to ask me about the weapon issue, but instead, she asks, _"So what did you do last night? I know that the champion residence can seem a little daunting, or excessive, to first timers, so I wanted to know what you thought of it."_

Again, I'm struck by the ever-present confusion, and responded, _"The residence was quite nice, although I found the library to be my favorite part. I read every single book in there last night."_

Pink seemed to hesitate a little at this, _"You read every single book?"_

I nodded, _"How? That library was three stories tall and contained five thousand books, it would be physically impossible for you to read every single book and still have time to learn how to summon your weapon, something that you clearly took time doing last night!"._

I was a little confused by this sudden outburst of energy. Was I really that weird, that strange? I mean, I know that I read those books a little fast, but was it really so weird that I could, and even then, it wasn't really that hard to summon his weapon, was it really any harder for other people? Pink continued, _"You know what, I shouldn't be surprised, you are the Diamond Champion, I guess you would be bred to be a little special, not to mention that you are a moonstone gift. Either way, I guess this means that you are ready for advanced classes. There were some high-level books in that library, after all. Effective tomorrow, you will begin intermediate sparring, advanced math, advanced language, advanced culture, advanced everything, basically. I'm going to have to bring this up to the other diamonds during the next diamond council. Just go ahead and go back to your room."_ Funny, they said that to me yesterday, and I exceeded their expectations by leaps and bounds. I wonder how tomorrow will proceed, considering my progress.

Pink began to leave the room, ushering me out of the door and hailing the other diamonds on her comms tablet. By this point, I have mapped out the entire Dwelling and therefore don't need an escort back to my room. As I make it back to my room, I look towards the library and take note of how large it is. I didn't think about it before, but it is huge. Thinking back, I guess my determination to finish every book and outshine every champion before I had overridden my perception of size. Using my fighting knowledge that I had garnered from my night of knowledge, I understood that that was a good thing because it means I think in necessity and not odds, something that could help win battles against larger or stronger opponents. I chuckled at the word stronger, knowing that when my training is done, stronger won't apply to people as compared to me. I look out the window and note that the day is still young. I walk towards the gym, intending to train all through the day and night, still on the path to being better than any champion ever known.


End file.
